Claira’s Neighborhood

I am not very excited about the new year.
I mean last year, all in all, was alright.
It was very up and down.
If it wasn't great, then it was pretty shitty.
But I have grown a lot from it.
Some bridges were burned, some were created, and others just kept on building.
I can't say that I have regreted anything that happened last year.
Everything I did was because I wanted to do it (at one point in time).
All the bad things that didn't work out have made me stronger.
But there will always be that one thing, or should I say person, that I will never be able to shake off.
And to quote Against Me! - "If you had told me about all this when I was fifteen, I never would have believed it."

I remember...

That we were both nervous the first time we met

That you had the most beautiful green eyes I had ever looked in

When you held my hand and smiled, not knowing how I'd react

How our first kiss went- gentle, butterflies, perfect, and real

That I didn't care what anyone else thought

How we could talk for hours about anything

That we could never make it through a movie

When you became distant

Then I asked you about it

How you said you were back with her

My heart cracking

Those months without talking

Most of all, that day we started again

How you acted like nothing happened

Then you asked me to hang out

That I was just as nervous as the first time

Seeing you made my heart mend

You giving me that gorgeous smile

Me knowing something was going to happen

You driving my car to your house

Us going into your room

Me laying on your bed

Putting in a movie

Trying to watch it

Cuddling because I was cold

Looking over at you and you grinning ear to ear

Me saying "What?" with a smile

You holding me gazing into my eyes saying "I missed you so much"

Us kissing after that

That was the best kiss I had ever gotten

Feeling like you meant it

Knowing it had to be you

How it was my first time

You being gentle and perfect

Your heavy breathing on my neck

Never wanting it to end

The painful goodbye, but it was more like a see you soon

The drive home at 6AM

A week later

How we hung out again

Your button down black shirt and tight jeans

How good you smelled

Loving how you looked

Not being able to keep my eyes off of you

You never being able to keep your hands off me

It feeling so right

Us back in your room

Us on your bed

Your kisses sending my head spinning

You biting my lip

Me biting yours

Truley thinking I loved you

That moment I knew I did

Your hugs and kisses goodbye

Always having to call you to let you know I made it home alright

Thinking that you'd changed

You starting to drift away again

Wishing I could be enough for you

Knowing I never could be

This situation repeating again

The same ending

I somehow knew I would see you again

My heart shattering

I know...

It can't be mended again

I'll never stop loving you

I'll see you again.

So until next time, THANKS.

When we are little we are told we can be anything.
But is that really true?
I mean, you can try to be anything, but even people with the most hopes and dreams fail sometimes.
And the upsetting thing is that if you focus your entire life on being that one thing then what do you have left when it doesn't happen?

This thought scares me so much that I have never wanted to truly be just one thing.
I have always been indecisive as long as I can remember.
People ask me what my favorite food is, I say at least three different foods.
Not one, three.
So maybe this means I am meant to try to do more than just one thing with my life.
I just want to live my life as best as I can.
Living to me is being free to do what I want and being comfortable in all situations I choose to be in.
I have never been easily forced to do things against my will.
My parents know that all too well.
At this point in my life I am really unsure of what I want to pursue.
There are three things I absolutely love -- reading, writing, and painting.
I can't imagine myself going to college for any of these though because I could teach myself better than anyone can teach me.
And I don't particularly like other people telling me how to create my art.
I like to be alone in my own element instead of having an assignment sheet infront of me.
Art isn't even art when it's required.

Art is real, and it's raw, and it has emotion.
And it's certainly never forced to be made, it just happens... kind of like love.